Daily writing for the year.

I almost didn't write today. I was forgetting that this was something I put myself up to. I am not sure what I was expecting. Where is the result of doing this? I am not seeing it. I am going to keep it up anyway. Result or not!

It's time to go bed and I really don't think I have a topic this time. I did have one but I'm unsure if I want to go through with it. It's requires writing about the past. I don't want to write about sad stuff. Ah screw it! I was thinking about Kate and things I want her to know about me. I began to think it would be cool to make a list of my favorites things for her. To deepen our friendship. Since I want her to know me and I'm honestly getting impatient for that! Then my head decided it was a great idea to picture the worse case scenarios for us and that instantly broke my ❤️ This all lead me to remember all the times I hated myself. All the times I wanted to unalive myself and the times I tried. The time I ran away. Though it wasn't on purpose. I just wanted to go somewhere I've never been and got lost. There were also the times Iied, stole and cursed. I'm not this person anymore but still hurts to know that I was. Now I lock myself inside. I'...

I went to church today.  Another Sunday as usual.  Except today I didn't want to talk and I didn't want to sing. It was like something was blocking me.  Indeed it was.  I am thankful that I have friends who I can confess today.  I was able to confess my bout with lust to Frank and I was able to confess my battle with loneliness.  I instantly felt better after doing that.  Now I can go back to focusing on learning what I can about bookkeeping.  I also need more time with God. I shouldn't have to go a week without relief when he is surrender and obedience away.

Hey there.  My name is Jonathan and sometimes I talk too much but most of the time I barely talk. Atleast I feel like I don't talk enough. It is a constant struggle to wonder if I lose the ones I want to keep because of my volume of words. When I talk less. I feel like people will think I don't care about them.  Just sometimes I can't get the words to come.  Other times I am full of energy like someone plugged a fresh battery in the back of my head. Then I can't keep my mouth or fingers to stop moving.  I want to be able to able find a middle ground.  It would be nice to be able to speak much and hold an conversation.  Only closing the valve to make space for whomever I am talking to.   I want to be excited.  Sound excited.  Jump for joy and be there fully for my engagement partner.

I feel more aware of my feelings today.  Like today I was talking to my friend Kate. She called me.  Which is not something we usually do.  We usually text. And while I love talking to her every time.  It did catch me off guard and I found my feeling afraid.  Like I was back to being a little child clutching the hand of a parent. I can't think of anything that would cause me to feel that way.  I just know that is how I felt.  That is the image I seen in my head while feeling that way.  I don't know how to get over that . I know that she is  a safe place. 

I do not want to talk as someone who is knowledgeable on this subject. I'm not. In fact I just recently started going on this learning journey about it. For what I have learned though is that connections can be deadly. Sometimes you have it and other times you don't. There is also a thing as having the wrong connection. The ones you have just to have them but aren't actually useful. I also got to thinking that one of the reasons that I love to serve so much is because I get to be connected to the people that I am serving. It makes me feel like I am loved. I like being loved! I know that what I learned is nothing new or some big secret. I just wanted to get it out. Something to write about as I keep writing every day.

Everything in this world has an end date. Friendships end. Family members end. Almost friendships end. Some day my life will end and all that will be left of me is the words I wrote. The joy that I brought to others. The hardest things about endings is being able to see them coming and being unable to doing anything about it. With that in mind, I don't want to waste any time but at the same time I don't want to rush. I don't want to go so fast that I miss the little things that are important.

I did it! I accomplished something that I have been trying to do for a week! Last week was valentine's day and I had a plan to make someone's day. So I brought some gift cards to olive garden. I put it in a bag filled with chocolate, a stuffed animal and a greeting card. I call it operation make someone's day! The whole plan was to find someone to give the whole bag to. Of course I chickened out and went home. While my plan didn't go as I wanted it to go but I did it! I walked up to olive garden and gave the cards to one of the workers to give to someone else on my behalf! I am so happy about that. 

  Today I spent most of my day reading about bookkeeping and watched videos about frientimacy. I'd like to say that this was a very good day. There were moments of creeping sadness and loneliness but I didn't let it. Instead I continued what I was doing and even danced. I even danced with the blinds slightly opened :D  I want to be a good friend. Not just people I know but to everyone. That includes people I don't really like, I don't even want them to even see that I may not like them. I want to go deeper. I want real connections. I want people to be and feel seen whenever they speak to me. I want them to feel as seen as I want to feel seen! Lately I have been letting my fears take over how I listen, how I speak and how I react with others. It has not been a good thing, I hate it. While I am glad that I am able to speak. I just been doing it too much. Probably scaring people off. I know that is something that would scare me. That would actually drain me and want to avo...

Hello my name is Jonathan, And sometimes I feel a little crazy. Like I spent way too much time in my head. It's not something that I do on purpose. It's way too easy to have some good moments and forget how dangerous it is there. For a moment my mind was filled with people dancing surrounded by stars. They also had the moon at their backdrop. It was really pretty. If you can't tell yet. I am a visual thinker minus being able to draw such things. I am a poet though. So when I write words or read stuff. I am able to see it as if I were there. I can do the same with pictures which is freaky. Especially with faces! I can see things moving, even eyes blinking! See my head is dangerous place. Actually the reason it's so dangerous is because nothing is as real as reality. Got you all tense up for nothing! I ended up breaking my own heart and now I am in protective mode. I hope not to stay that way for too long. Well thanks for reading. Until tomorrow... be true to the faith yo...